You ever have those days when you can't stop thinking about suicide? Not commiting it necessarily, I'm not even entertaining that thought any more than normal so don't worry, but just people killing themselves? I have those days rather often. See it's a culmination of several things right now, so I'll start with some background. Over the last few weeks, one of my favorite albums has been The Sunset Tree by The Mountain Goats, this is a concept album about an abusive stepfather. I've also been watching sadder than normal TV and movies. Last, Script Frenzy is coming up in April and I've been interested in doing a short story for it, not for Script Frenzy itself, as it won't be a script, but just so I can get back to writing some fiction. However, the problem with this is that my writing always ends up being extraordinarily dark. I think this is because all I read as a kid were Steven King books and Edgar Allan Poe Poetry. So there I am, in my car on the way to Brandon's house, when something sad came on my ipod, not sure what exactly, but something sad. There is a tree at the crest of a hill in the middle of nowhere on the way to Brandon's and it really is one of the most awe-inspiring sights I've ever seen when the tree is coated in the tangerine glow of December dusk and the hills of the farm behind it seem to roll on forever. All of these factors combined to force me to think what it would be like to hang myself from that tree in the sunset while listening to this song so that the last thing I would see would be such a scene of serene beauty made even more divine by the knowledge that this would be the last thing I ever see. It is at this point that my rational mind kicks in and draws me back to reality to remind me that I have last second regrets more than a normal person, as far as I am aware, and that I would probably spend my last few seconds flailing indignantly in an attempt to save me from myself. One thought leads to the other and now I'm sitting in my car pulled over on the shoulder with a composition book and a pen thinking of all the famous last words I can and writing an outline of my suicide note (I realize this is creepy, but stay with me, I'm really not in any danger of actually doing any of this).About ten minutes later I look down at my notes and realise that this note turned into a damn epic and that I sound like I'm rambling. I know it's weird to read this, and normally I wouldn't type this out but hey, what are blogs for if not talking to yourself? Anyway, I continued to sit and contemplate for a while before turning my car back on and heading on my way. I had a pleasant afternoon with Brandon and Daniel and went home without another thought of death or suicide or any other macabre subject for that matter. This all changed when I saw that tree though, I spent the rest of the way home driving 80 in a 50 zone trying to outrun my piss poor mood. So I get home and take a nap, then I take a shower and now I'm just sitting here wondering half-heartedly if I'm going to have a good senior year. Wilco is playing... "soft wind and bright sky, to enjoy my suffering"... that's an awesome lyric and pretty much sums up my day. If anyone bothered to read that all, then I thank them deeply, and would like to tell them again not to worry about me.
EDIT: that song I was listening to was either Rain King, Long December, or Recovering the Satellites all by Counting Crows. This brings me to another topic, I dislike it when half the songs on a greatest hits album are all from the same album and yet they're spread across the entire album. This is the case with Counting Crows' greatest hits album Films About Ghosts. I think the majority of songs on that album are from their first album August and Everything After which says something about their quality past that point. Don't get me wrong they are still good, but just not nearly as good.
